Sunday, February 12, 2012

High before the low

So I got all four of my wisdom teeth out today. I figured I didn’t have enough injuries to nurse, so I introduced four wounds inside my mouth to make things more interesting. Now I can rotate packs of ice from my shin to my cheeks at 15 minute intervals and spend entire days on recovery. Just like a real pro like Dylan Wykes or Eric Gillis! I may not be getting in morning 24-milers...or any kind of workout for that matter...but details, details! It’s the post-workout routine that makes you fast, right? I could especially learn a thing or two from Gillis on concocting the perfect peanut butter smoothie, since I am reduced to liquids at the moment. His mix of ingredients alone makes me drool! Well, I am actually drooling all the time right now, but that’s beside the point (it’s a pretty gritty bloody drool too, not very nice). But I have a feeling this smoothie would cure it. My only problem (only – HA!) is that I don’t own a blender. I never realized how terrible this was until now. Pretty much anything I want to eat right would have to be blended. What do I do?

Well, first I slurped an entire carton of vanilla almond milk out of a bowl. That was pretty good. It also gave me enough glucose to devise a plan to conquer tomorrow’s breakfast. Buy some mushy bananas, scratch the crunchy peanut butter in favour of the smooth stuff, and coat and squish my bananas with the peanut butter (that's what he said?!). Then, microwave the hell out of my frozen berries until they are reduced to a purple berry mush that I can then top with gobs of honey and greek yogurt. And voila, I’ve got a baby-fied version of a classic Coolis breakfast! Brilliant! (I will let you know how this goes, knowing my luck the berries will be full of seeds I can’t eat and the bananas will be so old they’ll make me sick).

Delicious Almond Milk...soup?

The surgery itself went smoothly. I was in and out in 45min (twhs). When the doctor arrived he rolled up my sleeve and set up the IV anesthetic into my arm. His first words were ‘Wow, you have really BIG arms!’ My heart jumped. He noticed my newly bulging biceps!!! I was about to delve into a detailed account of my weight routine, until I caught the smirk on his face and realized he was being completely sarcastic. If only he knew how proud I was of my guns. ‘Umm...yeah...they are huge aren’t they?!’ I joked back, trying to hide my shame and disappointment. ‘I can fit my hand around your entire bicep!’ He continued in an amused tone. Just rub it in a little more eh? I thought to myself. What an A-hole! ‘Ha! And I actually do weights!’ I informed him. ‘Here I was thinking I was developing some strength, and you totally shut me down. Thanks doctor!’ He chuckled to himself. ‘Seriously? You do weights?’ Thankfully at this point he had started to administer the IV and that was the end of our conversation. I think he knew that if I stayed awake he’d get a taste of my guns in his face. That’s right. Don’ mess.

Coolis pre-op. A little nervous.

I woke up in what seemed like an instant later, feeling, well, pretty friggin great! I felt no pain and was in quite a wonderful mood. Naturally, my first instinct was to Tweet this to the world. Unfortunately my motor skills were mildly encumbered, as my Tweet came out something like ‘So high rihjt noe’. I wonder how this would have come out if I had had auto-correct on my phone? ‘So high riding doe’? (twss) I then proceeded to text random people on my phone, including my coach, to whom I blurted ‘I am so high rihht now omg this is cray cray wee3eeeeee!’ After a minute, I received a stern answer back asking ‘High on WHAT??? I hope you are kidding Jane.’ Turns out (after speaking to her hours later) she actually almost had a heart attack, thinking I was actually high on heroin at 9am on a Sunday morning. ‘She’s hit an ultimate low,’ Nic thought to herself. She even said she wanted to call me but couldn’t face talking to me while I was high on drugs, it was too upsetting. Oh Nic! Who do you think I am? (Well ok, I suppose there are some substances I enjoy, but I do not enjoy anything hard unless it’s vodka! (twss?))

The nurse then began to instruct me on what I could and couldn’t do in the next few days, which included no running until Thursday. I remained silent (thinking I was maintaining an obedient demeanour), but according to my buddy Tim I was giving her a terrible, evil stare as she spoke. I don’t really remember responding after her long ramble but witnesses also say that I told her I was going to run anyway. This did not make her happy. ‘And none of your crazy weight lifting either!’ She finished emphatically. I think I rolled my eyes at this point and she stormed out of the room. (I have the feeling they really like me at that dentist office.)

Beautiful post-op flowers from the 'rents!

That being said, I am taking the next week as a down week since I am now nursing five sore spots (my cap is four, naturally). I think my wisdom teeth operation comes at a good time since things have been going downhill with my shin and it will force me to rest. Despite my current shin soreness, I am actually quite optimistic about it. Why? Well, I have been doing very heavy weight-lifting in order to strengthen the tendon that I damaged. I’ve been going at this full tilt, dorsi-flexing thirty pounds of weight on the cable and strengthening it like no other. Apparently my little shin muscles couldn’t take it, however, and that stress along with all my cross-training and physiotherapy treatment has strained a bunch of the muscles beside the tendon. This has all happened so gradually that I didn’t even realize it was a new area, I just thought my old injury was getting worse and that was pretty depressing. Thank god for physio Greg who astutely pointed out that my tendon was no longer sore but that ‘muscle man’ next door was now the sore spot. We agree that this is quite positive, first because muscle will heal faster than tendon and second because my initial injury seems to really (finally) be almost there! I am hoping that backing off another week will finally get this thing healed! The shin will not be the end of me!

Alright, off to concoct some kind of liquid dinner, I am really craving my brussel spouts...I wonder what would happen if I microwaved them for like ten minutes....

Oh and in case anyone is interested in Coolis on Heroin, my really great friends took a wonderful video of me post surgery. They are so thoughtful!

Edit: I've been asked to write out the barely discernable dialogue between my friend Mauricio and I, so here it is...

M: Hello Coolis
J: I wanna get all my teeth out. [laughing]This is awesome.
M: You sound like there’s a lot of crap in your mouth
J: Is this going to stay in here all day?
M: That’s what she said
M: What are you watching here
J: It looks like a dog is playing piano.
M: Are you sure?
J: Not anymore..
M: We started laughing because as soon as you were out, you were tweeting and texting right away.
J: But I can’t spell!
J: I’m like whatever, they’ll figure it out...I wonder if this is what heroin feels like?
M: Oh man.
M: Maybe, I’ve heard...
J: ...Really?
M: Yeah
J: ...uh-oh...That is NOT good!
J: Oh...I feel really good...
J: When I woke up they were like ‘Hey it went really well, how do you feel? I was like ‘GRRRREAT’ and then I’m like trying to get up and she was like ‘No!’ and she had to like pick me up and bring me here. I’m like ‘No, I’m alright!’
M: Do you feel sleepy at all?
J: I just feel very peaceful.
M: Awww...
J: I’m not stressed out anymore! I could meet with Rob right now he could tell me anything and I’d be like ‘Alllllright!’

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